Band of Slugs

Electric Ant Arsonists Set Fire To Wales

It has emerged that a colony of fire ants have set fire to Wales, burning it to the ground. The previously undiscovered species of ant are attracted to electric currents in houses, and it is thought they simultaneously started fires in council houses in Swansea, Newport and Bangor.

Looking across the border from Ross On Wye, Charlie Stanbridge said “It looks like the ants set fire to the houses which in turn set fire to the vast coal reserves underground. The whole country just went up like a tinderbox.”

It is not clear whether the ants started it accidentally or if it was sparked by some deep seated racial issue. However, a respected ant expert commented “They clearly planned it, they all knew what they were doing, and they were probably trained by that Ayatollah Khoimeni or something.”

The ants are thought to be attracted to electric currents to an even greater degree than they are to food or water. Wales has an abundant supply of Honeydew aphids, the eating of which is the ants’ preferred activity, when they’re not torching Welsh housing estates.

Responding to the news Boris Johnson said “I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve heard it’s really nice this time of year.”

After one of his assistants whispered something in his ear, he went on “I find it totally unacceptable that aunts have set fire to large sea mammals in this way, it’s a disgrace.”

Over in England an emergency investigation team has been set up in a PortaKabin round the back of Hereford Police HQ. The squad is expected to begin the investigation on Monday morning, because the fire started on Friday night and it was the weekend, like.

Owain Jones, the last Welsh person on the planet, said “Luckily I was over the border in Bristol on the lookout for unattended motor cars containing high specification stereos, when I saw it go up in flames. I was really shocked when I heard Bangor had gone up too – I didn’t think it had electricity put in yet.”