Band of Slugs

Simon Cowell to Take Charge of Live Debates

The SNP arrive in Court

Simon Cowell’s production company, Syco, is in line to head up the live politcal TV debates that will be aired next year featuring the three major political parties and possibly the vast girls blouse that is the SNP if their legal challenge to feature in the show is successful.  Simon Cowell will likely be on the judging panel which could include Nick Griffen, Tony Benn and Joanna Lumley.

The three debates will take on a typical talent show format with the public voting off who they believe are the weakest with the winner to receive the keys to number 10.  Nick Clegg, already second favourite to be booted off the show, said “Do you know how many women I have slept with?  No?!  It’s a lot, I can tell you.  I also like to dress up as David Bowie and engage in heavy drinking sessions at parties.  Invite me to yours!  You won’t regret it.”  When asked if he thought his Liberal Party could make in-roads with the live television debates he said “Well, not really.  We’re the same party that thinks the Guardian is a text-book of popular social thought and opinion.  We will effectively ban you from cars, pubs, Morrisons and eating pies.  Seriously, would you vote for that?”

David Cameron, the Conservative, was far more sensible in his approach to our questions.  When asked if the Tories would sort out the problems laid down by Labour over the last 12 years he said “Absolutely, the British people need a party that listens to them and delivers on solutions and stuff.  Green policies for the tree-huggers, legalised Fox slaughters for middle class farmers, more Nigella Lawson on the telly, phwoar, more stuff and a special appearance by Borris in next years Queens speech.”  Gordon Brown muttered some answers to our questions but nobody could decipher it, possibly something about fiscal re-numerations or something.

The SNP, miserable bastards that they are, will challenge their absence in court demanding to appear on the show as they believe that they matter to the 90% of the population that don’t care about them.  Alex Salmond, literally a Hitler in the making, said “Noo look here wee bastart, hooberie scooberie och aye th’ noo an’ thon shite.  Ack, ah hate th’ english more than ah hate protestants.  Ah can nooooooo stand aboot an’ watch as those hateful English arsehoooz gan on with their ‘policies’ and ‘reforms’ an’ bollocks any rooooood.  As for that fat get, Gordon Broooon, he’s no Scotsman, aye!  No like me, ay?!  Shite tee yeez, bastarts!”

One solution proposed to the SNP is that they can appear at half time to perform traditional Scottish stuff that will entertain the majority English, who pay for them.  Syco productions said “Well, the English do pay a lot of money to the whingers north of the border, perhaps it’s about time they paid a bit back by acting up in the intermission.  It would be hilarious and there’s every chance we might take the Scots a bit more seriously.  I’m sorry, that was my attempt at a joke.”

Digital viewers will be able to vote with their Red Button or text in their vote in the usual talent show style.  Dates for the debates haven’t been decided yet but Band of Slugs will keep you informed.