Band of Slugs

Simon Cowell Usurped by New Chart Rigger

Buy the Campaign Single, or the Girl gets it!

Simon Cowell is said to be disappointed that a new person is now controlling the charts in what could be the only correct use of irony since American teenagers decided to invent a new definition for it.  Unbelievably, the public have bought in to this latest chart fixing with apparently lemming-esque abandon proving that the British single buying public are among the stupidest people on Earth, a likely side-effect of listening to too much Radio 1 – or more specifically, Edith Bowman (who presently holds the title of ‘Single Worst Person since Hitler Award’).

“Can you believe the absolute stupidity of the 1.5 million 5 year olds who are buying this crap?” said Hugh Smith, a shopper we collared for comment.  “The Rage Against the Mechanic, or whatever, is nearly out of copyright it’s so old.  And that Geordie kid is in over his head anyway – he’ll be a raving junkie before the year is out.”  Several sensible people, a rare breed in modern Britain, pondered the eye-watering irony of a campaign to stop the X Factor winner from getting the top spot.  To combat a single from being bought by mindless telly-addicts they pick a CD that everyone simply must buy, in effect we need a campaign to stop the 456 year old Rage Against the Twats song from being forced in to the airwaves.  It’s like asking the Mongols to defeat the Nazis.

Joe McElderry is thought to be a bit annoyed that he won’t be top of the flops for Christmas but is in good spirits that the public have effectively forced a big Turkey up their own backsides, it is rumoured that he said “The line, in that song reet, goes ‘F*** you I won’t do as you told me’ but they’ve done exactly that – at least we didn’t insist on people buying the record to save the charts from being more dead than they already are!”  Wise words from such a young Cowell-puppet.

Perhaps the song should have gone “Bugger me, I’ve gone and done what you told me!”  It could be worse, the campaign organisers could have told us to buy a Jedward single instead.