Band of Slugs

Champagne Region to be moved to Surrey

Quickly, point the bottle at those Socialist Oiks over there!

The entire Champagne region of France is to be moved to an area of Surrey in a bid to eliminate carbon emissions from the transport of the expensive booze to its inevitable destination in the wealthy county of England.  Almost all Champagne ends up in the glasses of Surrey’s wine bars and now it looks set to be made there too.

Environmentalists have long argued that since 94.6% of the Champagne produced goes straight to Surrey the farming and production should be moved there in order to cut down on emissions and save planet Earth from the humans.  The EU, who have recently experienced French rudeness first hand, are said to back the plans and would like nothing better than to annoy President Sarkozy.  French manufacturers are considering their next move as their families are unlikely to resettle in England given the average French person can expect only a bad reception from the thoroughly Conservative population in the wealthiest county in the UK.

The Champagne region is expected to find a new home in Runnymede district but the product will retain its famous name so as not to put Surrey folk off.  Locals had mixed feelings about the move, Francis Farnsworth, a local, said “While I obviously don’t drink, ever, what if we Surrey folk decided to move to the Champagne region – I mean, who wants a bloody vineyard on their doorstep?”.  Some are keen to see the production of the globally renowned tipple come to their county.  Maximus Sinclair-Trott, another local, said “Well I think it’s a delightful idea, and just to make it even better we should make it bloody well more expensive – more for us you see!  Keep it out of the hands of those damned foreigners I say!”

Moving an entire region to Surrey is expected to take 3 weeks in the new year and as much as 200 years until global warming has affected the climate enough to produce anything that could even slightly approximate what we know now to be Champagne.