Band of Slugs

Jedward Row Over Who Gets Jordan

John and Edward Compete for Dominance

John and Edward Grimes were said to be at each others throats last night over which of them sleeps with Jordan first.  The irritating pair are clear favourites to be Jordan’s next conquest but are said to be fighting like cage fighters to be first in with the glamour model.  David Attenborough has expressed his desire to film the rare mating ritual, but ITV have denied the leading figure in animal couplings access.

Rumours in various celebrity forums suggest that Jordan would not worry which of the high-barnetted brothers gets the gig as they are pretty much exactly the same.  Nobody is even sure which of the brothers will come out on top as it is not fully understood which one is John and which is Edward.  According to past girlfriends, of which there are 2, neither of the boys are blessed with anything approaching a normal penis.

The twins are currently locked in battle in a hotel room in London.  The manager for the hotel, which we can’t name in case somebody tries to stop them killing each other, said “They’re trashing the room but ITV have assured me that they’ll pay handsomely for all the damage so long as I hand over the CCTV footage.  Something about a new show called ‘Jedwapocalypse’ I think.”

Jordan will select the dominant male when the Irish mating ritual is completed.  Meanwhile, the public live in fear of Jedward/Jordan offspring completely dominating Television and Celebrity magazines in a few years time.