Band of Slugs

Olly Murs Vicously Beats Jedward

Olly does a good job on the Twins

Olly Murs performed on X Factor with a broken finger at the weekend after violently beating the twins in the house the contestants share.  Olly bravely put his injury to one side to perform brilliantly on Saturdays show and is still recovering.

The incident at the home flared when the Jedward twins insisted that they were better boxers than Ricky Hatton, Lennox Lewis or even Joe Callzaghe.  Olly is alleged to have lost his temper and beat them with a piece of gym equipment.  The X Factor PR machine moved quickly to insist that Olly’s injury was “merely a light-hearted accident, Olly accidentally punched a boxing bag stand and hilariously broke his finger.  The twins are fine.”

Rumours from inside the house suggest that Olly was fed up of the Twins getting through week after week while the shows talents get routinely ejected.  The safety of the twins will be thrown in to fresh doubt this week as Jamie was booted off the show, prompting many to ask “What’s the point anymore?”.

Meanwhile, Calvin Harris wasted a golden opportunity to punch one of the Jedward twins live on the X Factor on Saturday.  The nation was briefly swept by a wave of hope when the lunatic jumped on stage while the annoying Irish children where ‘performing’.  Literally everyone expected Harris to give at least one twin a good thrashing but instead tapped the backside of one of them before being ejected from the studio.

That wave of hope soon turned to bitter disappointment when neither John or Edward were hurt in any way.  One member of the audience said “When he jumped up there I thought this was it!  The moment we have all been waiting for – Jedward, or at least one of them, are about to get a good kicking.  Alas, we were let down.  Next time someone does this they better follow through with some Tyson-esque savagery.”

Simon Cowell was not pleased about the stunt.  Speaking to producers during an ad break he allegedly said “Who the hell was that prick.  Pineapple?  I don’t get it.  It was a bit like going to McDonalds and eating a KFC Zinger burger.  No wait, it was more like watching a wedding singer only to realise you were at the wrong wedding.  Yes, that is exactly how it was.”

John and Edward, possibly more hated than Danyl (pronounced ‘Daniel’, apparently), were slick in their response showing off their brilliant abilities in front of camera.  One of them said “It was just some wannabe looking to feed off our fame”.

Can you honestly believe that?  Please, can whoever is voting for these oik’s (nod to Borris) please die.