Band of Slugs

Simon Cowell to be Assassinated

Simon Cowell is to be assassinated after pulling his trousers down and defecating on the British public from a significant height.  He did this live on television on Sunday night.  When given the opportunity to banish the unstable anti-talented twins he instead allowed the British public, who have been denied a proper education since 1997, to choose by going to the public vote.  Lucy [Jones, is it?] scored the fewest votes and despite having more talent in one bum-spot than the twins could possibly muster in several lifetimes she got the boot.

The UK Government, headed byX Factor fan Gordon Brown who can’t write or spell correctly, will use public money to create a new show called “Britain’s Got Assassins” which will scour the four nations to find the most creative and destructive method of death for Simon Cowell.  Stacey Soloman, from Dagenham, said “Look here, I’ll drop my immaculately cute and affable personality and get straight to business – Cowell has to go, and my vote would involve a pack of dogs, a big bag of salt and a swimming pool with a single, near-starved Killer Whale.  It’d be quick but by God he’d know pain.”

The show will begin auditions  from tomorrow and Cowell will be assassinated by the winners method, however gruesome, at the stroke of midnight on New Years eve.  Dannii [or is it Dani, Danny, Dani, Danni, Danii, Danielle, whatever] Minogue [jesus christ, she's not making it easy for everyone is she] is the bookies favourite to mentor the winning Executioner while Louis Walsh is favourite to be the assassinated for an expected second series having secured widespread hatred for putting the little freaks in to X Factor in the first place.

Meanwhile, the Grime twins have been sentenced to a life of ritual kickings and penis-based humiliation following their succesful attempt to forever make the Ghostbusters theme tune cause a sensation of uncleanable dirtiness upon the British.  The government is expected to deploy the navy to the Irish sea to ensure no talentless, annoying, small-penised, retarded Irish (excluding Northern Ireland, terms and Conditions apply, please see uk.gov for more details) children are unable to set foot upon her Majesty’s territories ever again.