Death Inevitable, Suggests New Report
A shocking new report has concluded that most of us will die in the future. The study, which has taken over 5 years to report its findings, suggests that over 90 percent of people will die at some point in their lives.
The independent report was conducted by the Learning Institute For the End (L.I.F.E.). A spokesman for the institute said “The findings are really interesting. As part of the research we did a survey among 10,000 randomly chosen people. 84 percent thought they Would Probably Die At Some Point, while 10 percent thought they Would Live For Eternity. 6 percent ticked the Don’t Care box on the questionnaire.”
The report has been rubbished by the Department for Eternal And Triumphant Health (D.E.A.T.H). A spokeswoman for D.E.A.T.H. said the idea that we would all die was unacceptable. “What about my mortgage, that’s taken me ages to pay off, and what, those ***** say we’re just going to die?”
Since the findings were released, a white paper has been drawn up recommending that Death be abolished or at least reduced to a more manageable level. Councils suggested that council tax may have to be increased if everyone keeps on dying.
Philip Ackroyd, an office worker from Durham had grave concerns about the findings “It sounds like the government just trying s*** us up again – if I saw any of those ***** from L.I.F.E., I’d beat them to within an inch of their lives. We’re all going to die? I mean honestly, some people…”
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