Band of Slugs

Cost of Horse Escort Services Rockets

The price of horse escort services topped £1 million pounds last night as ‘Sea the Stars’, a relatively fast horse, announced prices to sleep with him will cost more than hiring Ronaldo for a while.  After just nine races Sea the Stars will retire from running with a small Irish man on his back and instead go in to the Horse sex trade, where he will perform a dance and then sleep with a female horse, producing what is hoped will be more relatively quick horses.

Fagin O’Tealeaf, an Irish man, is the horses PA and insists that the market for a million pound horse escort will grow as Sea the Stars produces offspring.  He said “Oi hope dat one o’ dees days that Sea da Stairs will be tee hossees what wolves are tee dags.  Da hoss will be loike Jesus tee da hoss based escort market, oi tink he’ll be greet – da goirls will love him, day’ll pick up da phone and vote for him.  Don’t listen tee dat Soiman fella, he doesn’t know shoite so ‘ee doesn’t.”

Frequent customers at local bookies have already taken time out of watching ‘This Morning’ to place speculative bets on the products of this horse prostitution.  Kyle Tweed, a gambler, said “Well he’s done alright with the running fast, which is good, but know he has to go and party hard!  If I had a million quid and a horse I’d set up some action – dutch style!  I’ve already taken time out of watching Holly Willoughby very closely to come down here and put my dole where my mouth is !”