Band of Slugs

X Factor Twins Favourites to be Assasinated

The most  insufferable tossers in history, the X Factor twins, are leading favourites to be shot in front of millions of viewers.  Louis Walsh, the tit who put them through, is also being lined up as a potential target although it is more likely he will simply be banished to Ireland where he can annoy his own people with mind-numbingly boring wankers instead.

Already tipped to become the most hated people ever, the X Factor twins were last night perfecting their helium-balloon ego’s and adding hair extensions to ensure their hair is as obnoxious as possible.  They are number 4 in the most hated league under Hitler, Napoleon and Ashley Cole.

Paddy O’Horriblaghn, an Irish man, said “Well oi tink dare mad craic, so oi do.  Wats da harmm in dem dare bois singin’ a few ditties an’ entortainin’ uhs on da delly?”  A sentinment that is clearly not shared by southern England.  Stacey Taylor, from Dagenham, screamed “Fackin’ ‘ell me ol’ china, wot the fackin’ fack is awl that abaht?  Lav a duck!  I fackin’ ‘ate ‘em the arrogant wankers!  I’d really like to take a fackin’ set o’ scissors to their twattin’ ‘air and ram a pot of gold straight up their aristotle.  If I get one more look at their stupid boats again I swear I will fackin’ do for them.  Wankers.”

Simon Cowell is said to be mortified and is backing a campaign to change the law on the ethical treatment of Irish people.  “Look, I’m just fed up of Louis and his obbsession with young Irish boys.  I thought he left the clergy long ago but obviously you can take the Louis out of the Church, but you can’t take the Church out of Louis.”

Serbian Leon Srjda, an assasin, has put himself forward for hire saying “In Kraljevo, we have a saying – When confronted with two annoying Irish boys it is best to hire an assasin and have them shot.  I am that assasin, and I cost a mere $74.97.  Three cents less than my uncle.”