Band of Slugs

Royal Navy Worlds Biggest Drug Dealer

Having stopped every single drug smuggler in the world it is now being asked ‘Why is there still Cocaine on the streets?’  The Royal Navy’s latest acquisition of £240 million of Cocaine is said to be its largest single haul and is expected to supply London for an estimated 3 hours on Friday night.

Concerned Britons were in uproar last night as it emerged the Royal Navy were selling it on to young London bankers, lawyers and estate agents to pay for new boats and submarines.  Kelly Rogers, a 35 year old virgin, yelled “WTF?!?  Aren’t they supposed to be getting rid of this stuff, as it is they’re making a bad situation even worse – I’m shocked and blame this entirely on Ed Balls for no other reason than I simply don’t like his face!”

Captain Cortez, of HMS Charlie, said “Argh me hearty!  We be getting these drugs to the bankers to blow their bonuses on as soon as the Government can count the cash to spend on Beer, Porn and Mars Bars.”

Newcastle residents were angered by the apparent London bias, saying “Wye Aye, man.  Why’s that London gettin’ aw tha Curke an’ wors gettin’ fock all, like?  That’s no reet!”  While in Wales they were less affected, muttering “…[untranslatable], boyo!”

An MOD spokesman said “Well, it’s quite simple really.  We find the smugglers and take all the applause in the papers for nabbing the blighters and then we sell the Coke on to Brits, splitting the cash between new boats for us to play around with and some sweeteners for the fat shits in Government.  So far, so good!”

Our source at Westminster said “Look, it benefits everyone.  They sell the gear, the money is divided up and their share goes in to Tesco Clubcard points and when they have enough they can trade them in for a Submarine.  They’re in Aisle 11 next to the Tesco Value baked beans.”