Band of Slugs

Israel: “This isn’t Alexandra off of X Factor?!”

Leonard Cohen was pelted with rocks and told in no uncertain terms to piss off in Israel last night after the crowd seemed shocked that Alexandra Burke, last years X Factor winner, had appeared to turn white, old and male.

The crowd were expecting Alexandra, an icon among Israelites and such is the feeling towards her that many have petitioned the Government there to replace the national anthem with ‘Hallelujah’, a song that was written entirely by Ms. Burke in 7 minutes on a tube train going from East Putney to Bayswater.

Up to 40 people turned up to the concert expecting Alexandra Burke and her legendary song ‘Hallelujah’, but they were disappointed to find an old withering man turn up and cover it, enter Leonard Cohen.  “Who the hell does he think he is?” cried Benjamin Homanni, an Israelite, “I mean, she comes out with this great song and this bloke turns up and starts singing – real crap he was too.  Come on, it’s not enough that Buckley covered it and made complete twats even more twatier – that Edith Bowman is a case in point – but now this?  I threw my phone at him, I was so angry!”

To calm the situation authorities had to make a hurried call to Ms. Burke and ask if she would sing it over the phone while they put it through the tannoy system.  Alexandra agreed and it is widely accepted that she averted a certain international crisis by doing so.  She said “I don’t really understand what’s going on, I’m starting to think that some people don’t know who Leonard Cohen is and if they find out then it’s my arse on the line isn’t it?!”

Cohen, 75 years old, has never appeared on Simon Cowells BBC-killing show but had admitted in a previous interview that following a trend of old people appearing on the show he may consider an appearance.  He said “You see all these olds walking out and you think you could do better than that – and I’ve probably got a much better sob story.  The producers on that show clearly aren’t bored of that [poo] song they keep playing while some twat moans about how he can’t leave the house because he’s too ugly.  I reckon I’d make boot camp, but I wouldn’t actually go – that’d piss ‘em off!”