Band of Slugs

British Men Confussed About Saturday Night TV

British men were last night bracing themselves for another week of head-buggery as they try to figure out whether the wife can watch Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor at the weekend.  The dilemma emerged only when Strictly Come Dancing appointed top totty Alesha Dixon to the judges panel, rivalling Cheryl Cole on ITV’s X Factor.  Confused British males have been congregating around pub table in discussions about which woman is their preferered fantasy TV judge – and there doesn’t appear to be a clear winner.

The two women are expected to wear increasingly attractive outfits in a bid to secure the male votes which will allow wives to tune in, prompting fears from police officials.  PC Bob McTaggart said “As these women become more and more sexy with less and less clothes I expect men to find more difficult to come to the decision, which may mean that the wife cannot put either show on the TV.  A situation that gives me cause for concern.”

Mathew Tate, a married man, said “Well I only let the wife watch X Factor because I that bird whats-’er-name Cole is on it and let’s be honest here – she’s a belter!  Now they’ve put that Dixon lass on the other program and suddenly I’ve got choices to make.  Well, I says to the wife she can watch both but she said they were on at the same time?!  Would you believe it?”

Dr Roy Farnworth, a genius, offered a partial solution saying “My analysis reveals that the optimal method for maximum totty would be to flick to BBC when the adverts come on X Factor, and there are plenty of them, and hope that the fit judge on Strictly happens to be on air at that time!  It’s all I have, the clarity has all gone since I saw Cheryl’s arse on Saturday.”

Mary Bardbury, a wife, said “What the hell has that useless piece of crap husband of mine got to do with anything at all?  If he wants to sit their in his pants drooling over these women he can do it down the pub, where I expect he is now.  Useless git.”