Band of Slugs

Unheard of Artist wins Pointless Music Prize

Previously unheard of and soon to be forgotten again rapper Speech won a pointless Music award and nobody really cares.  Sales of her Album, Speech Therapy, doubled to 4 and are expected to top 11 by the end the decade.

She faced tough competition from equally inconsequential acts Florence and the Machine, Led Bib and Sweet Billy Pilgrim.  Kasabian, La Roux, Bat for Lashes and Glasvegas were in also in the running but didn’t stand a chance in hell because organisers, the BPI for Christs sake, are too far up their own arses to consider acts that may have sold more than 10 songs on iTunes.

Tarquin D’Arby, a judge on the panel, removed his head from between his legs for a moment to say “Oh come on!  You didn’t expect us to pick an act that may have caused anything other than gasps and scratched heads from the audience did you?  Heaven forbid someone might clap!  We’re trying to be the BBC of the Awards Ceremonies and we’re not going to do that by picking bands that aren’t from some failed community project in south London.  That Kasabia, or whatever, were only in there to get some press coverage, and they bought it!”

Speech, kicked out by her parents for being too mouthy, said something but we weren’t listening.  After ‘borrowing’ some notes from an enthusiastic Guardian journalist we found out it had something to do with “Me me me” and “Yada yada yada” or something.  Who cares.