Band of Slugs

England to invent New Sports to be Crap at

English people are busy working on new sports to invent that they will be completely rubbish at following huge success in being utterly [poo] at every sport they introduced to the world.  With England barely able to pull a slender victory against Slovenia in a friendly Football match and then failing to beat a seemingly defeated Australia at Cricket it remains only for England’s Rugby team to show the world how dreadful they are at their own games.

Gordon Brown, a Scottish person, has urged all English people to invent new sports and show the whole planet exactly how badly they can lose using their own rules.  Ben Smith, an habitual loser from Liverpool, said “I was thinking that instead of chucking crumpled up paper in to a bin all day – having failed to be able to spell my name right at the top of the page – we could turn that into a sport.  You could put the bin on the wall and then throw paper in it to score.”  It was later pointed out that this sounded a lot like American sport Basketball, an activity that has promisingly yielded much failure to English players.

“What about if we race cars around a track for a bit?” asked Terrance Fuller, a retired wedding planner from London.  The question raised eyebrows at senior level as it emerged that the World Champion is in fact English.  “This is odd, it seems some bloke who lives in Switzerland and talks like a Californian had a faster car than everyone else.  We should immediately turn our attention to ensuring any English drivers in this ‘Formula One’ are told that they really should be very crap.” said a spokesman for Campaign for English Crapness, but was left relieved when informed that Jenson Button had got the message and was being very [poo] again.

Gary Banks, a genius, suggested that we re-write the rules of sports to simply include a new clause along the lines of “No English person can win a game of absolutely anything unless all players are English, in which case the Australians win by default.  Or just get behind the Norwich American Football team, they’re proper shit!”