Band of Slugs

Haribo Take Lead in Porn Marketing

German Sweet Company Haribo have taken the lead in Porn marketing with exciting new imagery of various fruits going at it like Dutch perverts.  The move to use porn on wrappers to entice children and parents alike to purchase their suger enriched candy products came after researchers found that Japanese filth merchants were increasingly using fruit flavoured sweets to get their sexual kicks.

A spokesman for Haribo said ‘Ze fruity fruits are certainly very fruity now mit der kinky sex games that ve hast pictured on ze sweety wrappers, ja.  Ve are very proud zat out artists have found this zeitgeist of sweety pornography and ve have duely included it on to our sweety wrappers.  You see zis is a gut thing, ja?  Kinder und parents love it so, ze happy vorld of haribo!”

Rowntress are said to be in talks with Thai fruit porn outfit, ThaiFruityTooty, to produce all new sweety porn wrappers for their most popular products.  “We don’t really think it’s appropriate but if that’s the way the market is going then we have to somehow relate fruit pastels and jelly tots to a quick knee trembler by the pub skip, or perhaps go down the dogging route.  Juicy Jellys should be an easy win, we think.”

Parent groups had mixed feelings about the depictions of sexual tomfoolery on the Haribo Maoam wrappers.  Stacey Smith, 19, said “I think they’re the funniest thing I have ever seen, I don’t really think my 6 year old really gives a [poo] to be honest.  She just shovels the lot in one go.  She’s off her head for an hour, but the comedown is a bit nasty.  I find a couple of tangfastics help when she’s going cold turkey.”  Men from Yorkshire are less enthusistic about the imagery.  Simon Simpkins furiously raged “The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.  I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.”

Sales of Haribo products have surged in Japan where the fruit porn is now in such high demand the price has rocketted by 400%.  Hirihito Nosonkogaki, a business man and occasional crush fetishist, launched in to an enthusiastic monologue but we were unable to understand a single word of it.  We can only assume he was exccited at the prospect of the new Star Fruit and Melon flavour which Haribo insist will be the raunchiest yet.

“Ze Star Fruit and ze Melons will be so dirty that they vill blow all of your dirty little minds” said Hans Von Drecksack, a dirty man who is all too in favour of filthy sweet wrappers.