Band of Slugs

Katona Accountant Buys Wrong Coke, Gets Knocked Out

Kerry Katona beat seven shades of shite out of her accountant yesterday after he purchased the wrong kind of ‘coke’ for her.  On returning from the shop down the road with a can of regular Coca-Cola Katona was alleged to have screamed like a banshee and rained blows upon the Accountant.  The accountant suffered cuts, bruises and will now have to deal with a lifetime of ridicule for being beaten up by a girl.

A source close to the Katona family said “Kerry loves her coke so she does, she’s all over it, can’t get enough.  She used to hide her habit from the family but now she’s quite open about it.  Why not?   Oh, she’s very liberalistic is our Kezza”.  When pressed on how much coke Katona is consuming the source told us “Loads.  She normally buys it wholesale.”

Kerry Katona was unavailable for comment as the police were busy practicing their latest protester control manoeuvres on her but it is understood she is effectively getting away with it on account she is often seen in women’s magazines.  A Runcorn Constabulary press officer released a statement saying “As Kezza is a right proper celeb and that we are unable to treat her like we would an ordinary member of the public.  Therefore she will only be handed a slight kicking in t’office and handed a brew before being sent off in a Helicopter to her massive house that was built from the bricks of her overwhelming talent and ability.  We are aware of her enormous capacity for Coke.”

Phil Moughney, founder of Accountants Against Celebrity Violence, said “You just can’t go around kicking the crap out of your accountant – I don’t care how pranged you are.  He didn’t deserve that, he was young and new to all this.  What message does this send out to the youth who may one day consider a career in adding up money?  It’s such a shame.  She needs help, she does.  Anyone who’s taking back that much Coke needs looking after.”

The beaten accountant, who can’t be named as he’s too ashamed of himself, is said to be stable.  His mother told Band of Slugs “If he’d had just bought a can of Cherry Coke, the one she wanted, this wouldn’t have happened.  He had to get her regular didn’t he, the twat.”