Band of Slugs

Satan, In It For The Money!

Peter Mandelson has been confirmed as the Devil this week after a series of highly dubious meetings while on Holiday in Corfu.  Satan, 55 from south London, met with Colonel Gadafis son to discuss the successful ‘Oil for Mass Murdering Terrorists’ program and Dreamworks co-founder, David Geffen, to hammer out a deal to criminalise the majority of Britons for alleged file sharing and claim some healthy back-handers for himself in the process.

Mandelson, real name Mephistopheles, is now firmly dedicated to rolling out his ‘Only The Guilty Go Online’ plan to parliament. The Prince of Darkness, who recently deposed Hitler as worst person ever, is said to be very pleased with his share of the revenues made on Libyan oil and can’t wait to see his first cheques from the major movie houses after these laws are in place that will prevent the UK from reading this news story, or watching gentlemens entertainment when the wife has gone to bed.

The Pope, an avid Pilsner drinker, said that God told him during one of their afternoon tea sessions that Mandelson is the real deal and Catholics everywhere should not hold the door open for him – even if he is wearing a frock.  “Ja, ze devil ist Peter Mandelson, God told me”  said Ratzinger, he continued “Ze plans he hast fur der Tommy Schvine Hunde ist very nasty indeed – I mean, who hasn’t vanted to download Britany Spears songs with no license to do so.  God told me he ist happy fur zer people to steal from zer large corporations so long as a donation ist made to zer pope.  Zat ist me, ja.”

The uproar, from at least 2 of  the 4 corners, gathered pace when it was revealed that the Devil wanted to pass a minimum custodial sentence of 32 years to teenage boys for downloading copy written material – a crime Beelzebub believes to be worse than protesting, but slightly more palatable than being a hippy.

Recently criminalised Briton Jane May, from Surrey, said “I received a letter through the post saying I was a now a criminal and that I should either go on the run and eventually get shot or hand myself in as soon as I could to local police”  When asked what her crime was she said “I don’t know, it was all in legal speak and very small lettering, something to do with a DVD I bought down the pub last Thursday.  I’m more annoyed that it was a [poo] copy and all you could hear was some bloke scratching his arse in the back row”.

Peter Mandelson, or Lucifer to his Butler, said “Robust policies, tough decisions, getting on with the job, I’m the devil, Europe is working.  Those are your options – print whichever one you like”.