Band of Slugs

Groucho Marx on Britain’s Most Wanted List

After a crime spree that began with the rise in popularity of the CCTV camera, Groucho Marx has now become Britain’s most wanted criminal with at least 33,000 crimes in London alone.  Video of Marx performing a multitude of crimes is abundant at almost all retail stores around the country and leading Retail groups are calling for Marx to be captured at all costs.  It is estimated that the former comedy legend costs the UK economy £1.4 billion per year.

Dave Smith, of Merchants  Unforgiving Groucho Stealing (MUGS), is demanding new action against the fallen funny man saying “Literally, 98% of thieving’s caught on camera are perpetrated by Groucho Marx – he must be stopped.”  MUGS are currently involved with many county Police Forces Services in a bid to catch Marx and put an end to his relentless crime spree.

PC Hawlston said from his Suffolk Constabulary office “Look, he’s been at it for as long as I can remember.  Not a day goes by without Tesco’s phoning up saying they have Groucho Marx on camera nicking a Dyson hoover and some Value Whiskey.  He’s been caught in two places at once before, not bad for a New Yorker who’s been dead for 32 years, eh?”

Some local retailers are less worried than most.  A member of staff at the local pound shop says she has never heard of Marx and is instead jubilant that sales of comedy glasses and moustaches are at a record high.  “It’s funny” she said “you hear about all these shops being robbed but the young criminals round here just come in to buy their comedy moustache and glasses – some of them like to buy the toy cigars too!  What do they look like?”

A spokesboy for London’s criminal gangs said “CCTV?  We don’t worry about it as we have counter measures, and Groucho Marx is a long time dead.  Work it out.”