Band of Slugs

27th Annual Slump in Standards

Labour were uniformly patting themselves on the back last night after another successful hoodwinking involving education standards and the rising number of utterly useless children being ejected from their extended kinder gartens, otherwise known as ‘colleges’.  As losing is not allowed under strict labour guidelines, all children are ritually handed out an ‘A Star’ and told to go to university where they can finally begin a process of preparing them for the real world.

A level grades are expected to rise for the 27^th year in a row giving rise to fears that the exams are being made easier so that government people can talk at a camera and tell the people how brilliant they are for making education great again etcetera etcetra…

Ed Balls, no sniggering at the back, the Minister for Children, Families and Schools welcomed the expected rise saying “Look, I know it looks bad with national illiteracy rates rising faster than the dole line and an apparent in-ability of children to communicate using any words but ‘like’ and ‘y’know’ but it’s really quite simple – we’re making the exams as easy as possible”.  When pressured in to revealing how exams are being made easier Ed Balls said “Look, it’s really quite simply.  Everything is multiple choice with two possible answers so their bound to get 50%, an A star grade, just by guessing.  We’ve also lowered the overall pass mark to 0% so they only have to turn up really.”

Parents were largely unimpressed with the expected results.  Mercedes-Evian Jones, 32, said she hadn’t heard what her daughters’ grades were but expected them to very good.  “Yeah, well she went to the exam hall innit so she will get marked and that so yeah or something.  She knows how to count to 4 and everything.  She’ll go so far that girl, I’m really proud of her innit.”

Teachers Union, NUT, insisted that the examinations were not being dumbed down and produced some sample questions to show the public exactly what was expected of our youth.

Question 1.  What colour is the sky?

1. Blue
2. Black

Question 2. Which of these two drinks will get you pissed?

1. WKD
2. Vodka

Question 3.  Which of the following weighs 1 kilogram?

1. 1 kilogram
2. 1000 grams

A student who is patiently waiting on her A star grades told us “They wuz well ‘ard raght, an’ laght ah didn’t fink ah wud parse it raght but laght ah took farve exams innit so laght Iah fink ah iz well goin to universe city!”