Band of Slugs

Afghans Hand Out iPhones to Allies

A global shortage of iPhones is being blamed on Afghan demand after reports the high tech gadgets are effective as incendiary devices.  Afghan farmers are in a race against the holiday season to provide the west with sufficient quantities of heroin in a bid to acquire enough money to fund the friendly Taliban with enough iPhones to wipe out a small city.  Once in Taliban hands the destructive mobile phones are being dished out to allied troops who appear to be happy to receive them.

A Taliban iBomb

Reports in Europe and the US of iPhones spontaneously exploding are causing concern among the millions of western owners desperate to offload the sleek devices.  A website, www.heroinforiphones.gov.af, has been setup to relieve worried iPhone owners of their prized possession in exchange for 3 wraps of Afghanistan’s primary export.  Pete Doherty, probably of London, has traded in 3 of the devices so far.  “I heard my dog and bone was likely to blow up in my sky rocket and when I heard some terrorist wanted it to kill someone in exchange for – and get this – skag, I was all over that website.  You don’t need to ask me twice”.

In Afghanistan, farmers are feverishly producing the drug in record quantities to use as barter.  Mohammed Al-Afghani said “Hello friend, I give you many wrap of smack for your one happle hi-phone.  Your best price today I assure you my friend.  With this hi-phone you are helping to free my country from progress and woman rights – you know, my friend, they walk around with their faces out in these times, I can hardly look anymore.”

A representative for the Taliban said “Yes it is true we are acquiring hi-phone to exploding evil progressive invaders who would want my people to vote and to have nice living.  We say no to billions of American dollar and yes to obliterate rich heritage and chance for better living.  It is the obvious choice, yes?”

The US response has been swift with action being taken to provide troops with Palm Pre’s in a bid to combat the rising threat of iPhone artillery although military sources doubt the effectiveness of the iPhone rival saying “They don’t do anything, can I have my iPhone back please?”  A Whitehouse spokesman said “We’re trying to contact California but everyone is spaced out on Brown.  Steve Jobs has done a runner and the only person who has any constructive input is that Balmer bloke.  I mean, who wants to talk to him anyway.”